honeybeenicki . July 3, 2013, 12:54 am, Uh oh some you will be called BSLBH. Did nobody notice this in the OPs letter? One of her friends had already seen the series and the others wanted to come over and watch the show on Netflix. Yeah the dictating that she cant even listen to songs sometimes in the car is way over the top. lets_be_honest July 2, 2013, 1:01 pm. A lot of them could lean into things he likes Firefly could lead into an interest in science. Too little time to post! MY HUSBAND is not an emotional man and has always found it difficult to talk about how he feels. And relinquish some of your time with her so that your husband can have a chance to nurture his own relationship with her. 1. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Exposure to anything is great for children. July 2, 2013, 11:17 am, Skyblossom Both of them are alike in that they are argumentative, particularly with each other, and if they disagree with each other or even have a misunderstanding neither will let it go, such that WE end up with ridiculous escalating fights.. Twin Flame & Soul Mate Guide, 22 Things You Should Know in Dating Latino Men: What To Expect, Dating Canadian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating Australian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating American Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect. But when I turned my attention towards nurturing my marriage, even though the kids got less attention, they started feeling more secure. Oh trust me, the Buffy fanbase is alive and strong just go check out r/Buffy! Rather than the lover-partner-wife-prized companion to be loved and cherished and lavished with attention slot. I promise, the daughter will remember and cherish the efforts. Over time, you may have begun to feel a little desperate, wondering if there wasnt some sort of underlying game going on. I realized at a young age that compromise was an important thing in a relationship. We had some past issues that affected our relationship. I assumed it was more than just playful eye rolling because of the added detail about disparaging remarks. July 2, 2013, 11:46 am. So because you think something is a timewaster you get to mock people for their interests at 12. If everybody liked the same things, the world would be rather boring. Its also important to take into account your daughters age and stage of development. (Its not in the joking way, either, but in the Temperance never gets to choose another movie again way.). I guess all dads watch that Wow, you just brought back memories! HA! A perfect starting point would be just a general interest activity, like board games or going to get ice cream. As you agree, there needs to be a balance and it sounds like Dad is the only one whose realized that. Agree i cant imagine being receptive to spending time with my dad when it consists of him mocking what my 12-year old self likes AND assigning me reading assignments. He still clips those articles, and even though he and I are a ways apart politically, I can always trust them to have something well-reasoned and thoughtful to say. July 2, 2013, 11:08 am. Thats still not OK. Hes putting her down. I know, Buffy was the weakest link in Buffy (is that irony?). FIONA SAYS: It's never too late to change patterns so long as he's willing. WTF youre her mother not her BFF get it together and help your husband round her out! The way hes acting could be a response to feeling alienated, Im sure, but right now it seems hes trying to run a bit of tyrannical household (with the assignments, & the verboten music and television). Um, no. for making her suffer through these things she finds boring, but the resentment will be short-term and the benefits will last much longer. I understand how you might be torn how easy it might be to embrace every second you have with her when you know all too soon, shell outgrow her fangirl stage, or at the very least, embrace additional teen-related obsessions, thereby reducing the time she cares to spend with you, and then soon after shell be leaving you and heading off for adventures of her own, away from you and her dad. I was all set to like this until you said shes only TWELVEshell eventually grow out of the fangirldom. Why is it not ok for adults to like these shows?? Learning about give and take in a relationship is very important for a 12 year old (who can often be very self-centered at that age) to know. Im not even saying all of the things listed are mature and intelligent, but that people can be smart and informed and still like these things. That was my guess too. July 2, 2013, 12:02 pm. Often, in their own backgrounds, they have seen a too-good-to-be-true martyred parent in a devoted relationship with a partner who would not acknowledge their caring. From one mom to another. Awesome post, Wendy The whole time reading the letter I was feeling a bit sorry for the dad, but mostly in the sense of Wow, sucks for him that hes such a big fat pain in the ass and no one likes him. Then I read your response and realized even if he is a pain in the ass, Mom has lots to work on too. Instead of, I want you to read this by this day, and then well have a talk, how about, I found this and thought it was interesting. But he read the paper and talked about the articles, so I started reading the paper and talking about the articles. Middle schoolers and initially, I tried to explain the history of the Salem witch trials as well as McCarthyism before we read the play. Dont let anyone else control your decisions. All rights reserved. July 2, 2013, 12:02 pm, Obviously, but thats just because youre wrong and not because of the certain, lasting trauma it will cause for lil. She SHOULD be more informed and its good that her dad wants her to be. For example, younger children may not be able to express themselves as well and may need help doing so. You dont always get to do the things you want and sometimes have to compromise. July 3, 2013, 1:06 am, Honestly, no matter WHAT the mom was a fan of my response would have been the same. And he lived 10 minutes away from us. I think you should take Wendys advice about showing interest in your husbands hobbies (hoping your daughter will take your lead), but you could also talk to your husband. This is NO accident. At this age I wouldnt try to force her to do activities she doesnt like because it just results in lots of anger and bad attitude and whining. Intelligent people can like these things but does that mean that a father should promote them? It gives them a model for their own m, kerrycontrary (My parents zydeco phase was an odd one.) Its almost like shes commiserating with her daughter as though hes her father also. And lets face itthe daughter is about to become a teenager. When I was 12 I was into makeup, boys and candy. All of this has tended to push her (and me, to some extent) away from him. Eventually I grew up and learned to appreciate these things, and I can look back and say wow, my dad was so great and modeled the type of behavior I should show. Also, my father took me to the new Disney movie every year. Cardinals games and all. Im peace-ing out. Well-said, courtney. Ha! Some people say yes, a parent should love their child more than their spouse. Amazing job today! He wants to force his daughter to conform to the kind of person who enjoys the things that he does, and cutting her down for not being competitive (which usually means involved in team sports) and forcing her to do homework to his liking is not the same as an involved parent working to help his child become well rounded. Sometimes that means taking a step back and letting things calm down before you try to mediate. honeybeenicki 2. We were never close because by the time I was a teenager, I felt like I couldnt be my own person around him and like I was always walking on eggshells so as not to pick the wrong activity to occupy myself with. is that daughter has been driving with her dad for . Seeing him cultivate her interests and introduce her to things I never would have has been a blessing. Think of it this way: the car insurance typically follows the car, not the driver. Totally agree on the respect issue. Jake O'Kane: Is the DUP really going to sink the Assembly and reject the Windsor Framework? When you did actually accurately zero in once in a while, you may have thrived enough on the intermittent reinforcement to hang in for subsequent disappointing rounds. I think she may have deactivated. Im a mom of a 14 yr old version of this LWs daughter mine is going to One Direction on Thursday, and will be spending all of Wednesday and Thursday both preparing for this epic event. When my family went on vacations as a kid, I didnt get a say in where we went. I teach freshmen in college, and a lot of them are still Buffy fans. For my husband he has to do all the driving. Im still mad at my parents for allowing me to grow up without listening to Led Zeppelin. oh, wait - his father wanted nothing to do with him for years. We were forced to have shockingly good table manners and we shook hands with adults from the age of three. Express appreciation in your husbands interests so that your daughter may learn to appreciate them or at least be curious about them too. Not while professing such love for me and genuinely remorseful when Im upset. My dad did tell me they were awful back in the day but he still bought me all the tapes and magazines and t-shirts and let me plaster my walls with their posters and drove me to their concert. But he also doesnt need to pretend to like whatever she is in to. People who are closed-off in this way often become so as a result of a previous emotional trauma or traumas. Like my sister loves Elvis, because my parents use to always listen to the Elvis hour on Sundays on the local oldies station, I didnt like Elvis then, so choose not to listen to it, I put my walkman on with Metallica, and Red Hot Chilli Peppers in it. He is also very critical of both of US ! And they were kind of blas, like, Oh, we didnt? And his dad didnt want to hear anything about my husbands interests. Blow out the torches! Mother of a Fangirl. I still find it hysterical that they incorporated a rivalry between Tim and Bob Vila in that show. bittergaymark Your email address will not be published. And while there are many reasons why daughters might want their parents to split up, here are some of the most common ones: If your daughter has seen you and your husband arguing or otherwise being unhappy together, she may start to feel like she needs to choose sides. He's worked extremely hard for as long as I have known him, and provided a good home for me and our three children. Oh, how fun for all three of you to just sit around endlessly for hours while the dvd player spins Buffy endlessly And then, next, comes Angel! Im not trying to argue with you Mark, I see your point and agree with much of it I just think its possible that the daughter is the one who introduced Mom to some of these things, and Mom became a fan. July 2, 2013, 11:03 am, I think what needs to be addressed here is the the primary relationship in a familythe marriage. Anything! And who knows how their relationship might blossom if you and your husband would only make nurturing it more of a priority. I was able to read teen magazines but they made sure it was balanced. One of my MILs (I am so lucky; I get three, FML) has a serious issue with me I mean epic butt hurt level, because I CANNOT do board games or card games. And every once in a while, he needs to do something he doesnt like because SHE wants to do it, and he loves her. But the dad is giving the kid homework? That way, everyone gets a say and is sort of forced to share each others interests. I didnt say she was liking or disliking things to get close to her daughter. Your Family Doesn't Want To See You Together. The eye-rolling and making the daughter feel bad about her interests is not cool. I can look back on those time I was forced to go mini golfing with my dad and smile, because I know how happy it made him, and I always ended up having fun, too! A highly critical parent or parents, resulting in a high sensitivity to being judged on performance. I really dont think this situation falls entirely on the husband. She occasionally plays them with her friends but she could care less whether she wins or loses because she doesnt care for them and so she isnt invested in the game. It seems way more acceptable to be a nut for sports but if you watch Buffy? Engage in any behavior that gaslights my daughter in law. 6napkinburger Even now, as an adult, when he says he doesnt care and I can pick whatever, I know that isnt really true I put on say yes to the dress and hell be like, ok, well, not this. This breed of intimate relationship dweller does the opposite of maintaining a sane interpersonal environment. I think this is a great point. July 2, 2013, 11:04 am. Also, now I know how to fix stuff. Without respect there will be no relationship. Both of them are alike in that they are argumentative, particularly with each other, and if they disagree with each other or even have a misunderstanding neither will let it go, such that we end up with ridiculous escalating fights. I would call that well-rounded. But he let them happen, and would use them to talk to me about other books or stories that would expand my horizon. You are so stupid, get some real hobbies.. I feel like this could have been written by my mom, to an extent. I know that we all love the music from our generation. I think my athletic and musical skills would have benefited a lot if I could have had practice early. I intervene and quieten things down when I can, but it's not easy and I am at the point of wondering whether it's all worth the effort. He wants her to watch history and science shows with him, and go hiking, camping and backpacking. He would watch Full House or something with us. Go to a murder mystery night and talk about Sherlock. I agree with everything Wendy said, and your daughter will certainly benefit from spending quality time with him, even if they arent doing things that she necessarily enjoys. Do not let that behavior continue. Ive been following you for years and while I dont always agree with your answers I think this was the most misguided and off the mark. It is best to talk with a counselor or therapist if you believe there is serious dysfunction in your marriage. Then she tells me she doesnt wear that anymore and how come I didnt notice? Or raising a child who should have a bigger perspective about the world and what is going on. The things she listed that her daughter is into isnt mindless pop culture. She may not have attended every softball game, but she never missed a dance recital or play, and always made sure I had a clean uniform for those softball games and a snack to take with me. First and foremost, of course, is the safety of your children. July 2, 2013, 11:06 am. This is partly why it can be so challenging to get a cognitively impaired individual to stop driving. You do her a disservice by being greedy with her time and attention. She along with his son & ex wife all live 3000 miles away. We still dont have a great relationship, mostly because he is an authoritarian asshole in a lot of other ways, but if he wasnt such a bully and tried to meet my sister and I halfway, we probably wouldnt hate him as much as we do. Sad. Or even more fun than you would. (even though his tone and demeanor sound indefensively harsh, cruel and mean.). What would be the point of responding to him when he would not be the one reading it? Your email address will not be published. I would just like to briefly brag about my dad and how were going to this awesome music festival together this summer!!! You need to be very careful, then, to avoid reacting out of worry or false guilt. And also, him treating her with respect and letting her know he values her, well that will also help shape her future relationships where she will know she deserves to be respected, valued and loved. If your teenager is starting to pull away, it is important to resist the urge to panic or try to force them to spend more time with you. J said the shows and books listed are things mature, intelligent adults like. That made me feel really loved and gave me a sense of confidence that is so, so important in a young girl (well, anyone, really). Heck, I even had a stringer attached to my waders. During the summer especially, our kids both have homework that may include working on actual homework-like assignments or getting a privilege after answering X number of questions correctly on our American Trivia game (history, pop culture, geography, etc). But you know what. But since I knew his motivation for liking things was less about me than it was about his own inadequacy, and I didnt actually like him as a person. July 2, 2013, 12:33 pm, Finding out the music my parents listened to opened up my eyes to who they used to be. I went through an accapella phase and a disney phase and a pop punk phase, a Growing pains phase, and on and on, and he rolled his eyes and helped me set the VCR, but wasnt willing to watch it. I agree with you to some extent. I get that hes probably feeling left out, but thats not cool. You can see it in the fighting. July 2, 2013, 11:40 am. Absolutely. Yes. And totally agreed on the book front. But the problem here is not that the daughter dislikes her dads interests. One other thought is that, maybe this really isnt about the daughter, but about her and her husband, she references herself a lot in this letter, and maybe she really has a problem with the way he treats her, but she just doesnt want to admit it. It may take years and years before the pay-off is apparent. LW, you should probably rationally explain to your husband that eye rolling is unacceptable. I wish you hadnt been so dismissive of counseling or parenting sessions (or PAIRS workshops, they are designed for couples but work great for family relationships as well!!) Is it forcing or is it parenting? Everyone can have a relaxing hobby. Surely, they can find a few places where their interests overlap a little bit. Then he said he was going out to watch the game at a bar because he needed time alone, and that hed be home in a couple of hours. This time is precious and its fleeting, and its understandable that you want to be well, greedy with it. Find a common ground youve got to. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1','ezslot_16',128,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1','ezslot_17',128,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1-0_1');.mobile-leaderboard-1-multi-128{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:15px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:15px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:600px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}If your daughter is still young, she may not be ready to see you with anyone other than her biological father. Make it easier for him to be his best self. So now our oldest daughter is 16 and . But it isnt you guys against him. He went to jail for beating up his new wife and hurting her little boy. All these behaviors contribute to the problem and are probably making the daughter less inclined to spend time with him. However, if you do decide to stay together, know that its possible to overcome this obstacle and build a strong family bond. Which is exactly why she wrote in. My husband goes thru their rooms & throws clothes away he doesn't like. But the show as a whole, awesome. I think most people worry about their daughters if they arent active enough and lay around watching tv or reading too much. Additionally, she may worry that if she stays in an unhappy marriage like yours, it will damage her relationship with her future spouse.