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1) mom was gone He pretty much worked up until he died. After reading all your posts, Id rather never meet her! I can not understand their position. Mum shocked to be called. I would say she is a sociopath and she will go to great lengths to get what she wants and who gets run over in the process she does not care. Oh honey, there's no such thing as grieving too much or too little. I lost my Mom in July of 2003 to a form of lymphoma cancer. The following year I asked her not to do that as I did not want to put anyone to any trouble. Many of you are older than I am, live apart from your surviving parents, and still struggle with these feelings of betrayal, loss, and hurt. He was the best father and husband I could ask for. However, he has been pretending for the past few months that this older lady (probably about 10 years older than him) has just been buying gifts for my niece and making him food all the time because she feels sorry for our family. I dont want him to sit around being a lonely old grieving man as he has accused me ..but since he asked for my opinion of this relationship so soon (and really wanted my blessing)I stated to him and his lady friend.that I felt he owed my mother more respect than this. Really? I am in a very similiar situation. If my mother keeps giving my late moms clothes for her to wear why doesnt she just say hey I wont wear that I dont want your kids thinking of something else and I might dispect them. I know Im being selfish but I want to spend as much time with my dad as possible & I would like to think that he would want to spend it with me, my children, my sis and her children. As executor, you could have him evicted. Yes. I am in the same situation. He was married to my mom for 52 years. Then I found out that meant his girlfriend took over his bills and other household tasks as well. He is 20 again and mom has been gone for 5 months. He just doesnt get it.. She thrives on it. Form ssa-5 information you die someday. Loss impact every person in a different way and we all need to process that loss. However, this woman is a fair weather friend and has proved to the world her worthlessness. It was because of the cancer that was growing all over her body. About 8 months or so ago, he informed me that he was going out-of-town to meet a woman he had meet on an online dating site who lived in a nearby town. Im even more upset about that than I am about my Dad trying to hide what has been going on with this woman. Around January of 2004, a neighbor and fellow church member of my Dads set up a date for him with another woman Ill call Ellen. It had barely been 6 months since Mom had passed away. Shed tell me who she had spoken with that day and what she was watching on tv. There's definitely a generation out there who got help starting from their parents and somehow still want to be supported by their children. With so little communication one could only conclude that it is based on attraction rather than having a lot in common. I think our options are to either let our relationship continue to grow weaker and more stressful or to try to get him to agree to speak to a counselor/therapist that we could all speak with. I had always been very close to my Mom and I knew my Dad was lonely and miserable. time. My sister, brother, and I only were told one month before she passed that my Mom was going to die. I think it really depends on the spouse and family and friends of the deceased. A lot more listening and a lot less suggesting what she should do worked well. We live nine hours apart, and I suggested meeting somewhere in the middle with a counselor. Dad bought a convertible and they go cruising around town Moms ashes arent even spread yet. I just want to make the point that grieving cannot be hurried. People I trust who Ive spoken to about this all say the same thing, to develop some kind of communication with the girlfriend. It is important to not let these times destroy you or define you, but rather, to help you to grow. I got word through the grapevine that Ellens mother was telling her biological grandchildren that she had to treat me, my kids and my brother the same as them, blah, blah, blah. At first we were being invited to some of their family get-togethers that I politely declined as I did not feel comfortable attending them. I wish you great success in love, motherhood, and life. It doesnt feel like my mother and I are working hard that will barely see each other, its actually settling in that shes gone. My mother passed away 5 months ago from cancer. He sold them took the money. I do really want my Dad to be happy, hes much a nice man. I feel very unwelcome there in fact have been there about three times since they married last sept. the whole situation makes me sick. IM AM SO ANGRY I GO VERY SOMTHINGS,I FEEL I HAVE LOST MY DAD ,I CANNOT GIVE MY BLESSINGS,BEFORE MY MUM DIED SHE TOLD ME DAD HIT HER WHEN HE DIDNT GET SEX,I THOUGHT SHE MENT WHEN THEY WERE YOUNG BUT HE HAS TOLD ME THINGS? Then in 2013 my parents came to live in my home. The lack of consideration for our feelings is slowly breaking up our relationship with her. I took an overdose. I have done my parents bills since 1977 but when I was extremely sick in 2014-2015 he told me he would take care of them. Clearly the loss of a spouse is a very traumatic and difficult experience and moms sadness is natural. So I accept it or lose my Dad. In November I found out he met another woman online and was planning to move in with her once I graduated college. Eight months after my mother died my dad gave a woman a diamond. Its a relief to be able to explain myself to a group of people who might understand. Your story could be my life story. I couldn't help but feel like my world was quickly falling apart. Four months ago, my mother died unexpectedly and suddenly at 53. The people who have been talking about the rights of the adult parent to move on however quickly are not seeing the whole picture. It could be argued that not being forced to entertain this stranger on an important family holiday would make you feel better! While their kids and other relatives have mates and continue on with their lifes. Im in such a state. I feel like it will NEVER get better. I would feel more comfortable with him dating, even if he set up a local profile on eharmony to meet for a date within the large cities he lives by. I simply have no interest whatsoever in this woman. What I would do is to call your dad and tell him you would like to sit down and talk to him alone. She and my father were married for 45 years and were, by all accounts, and amazing couple. They were married 34 years good relationship. These are all red flags for me. NOW HE HAS TAKEN ALL THE MONIES OUT OF THE HOUSE MUM AND HE OWNED There still secretly dating behind my back and they still call it friends even though they kiss and always hangout, ect. Any thoughts as to if there is a better way to assist my WBF with/in this situation. He kept rattling on about being fair to heras if she were entitled to have me consider her my family. I understand that my father needs companionship, but I do not feel that it would be too insensitive to ask him to please wait just a bit longer, even a few weeks longer- so that we can at least get used to the idea. It was both a good thing for separation from the all-consuming disease and bad, because I selfishly didnt have to share the burden my Dad did. Our relationship is strained and I feel a double loss as someone mentioned in a previous post. For him to not care what I think, is unthinkable for me. Its been a little over 4 years since my mothers death. She also tried to tell me that her and my mom were friends yet I know my mom did not care for her, and if thats a friend who needs enemies. What I, and it sounds like many others here, think is inappropriate is possibly the timing involved- being so soon after our mothers death, and the insensitivity towards our feelings of grief and loneliness of having lost our mothers. My sister and her family went to surprise them. Some conditions won't hold up in court -- a requirement that you break the law, for instance -- but if your parents give you ownership of the home as long as you let your sibling live there rent-free, you might have to let her. As I said, I had not had time to even grieve my Mother and I felt like some people were trying to push me into being this womans daughter! I cannot stress this one enough because I would have never survived anything I've gone through in my life without the friends and family who were by my side through it all. Now his wife has him to herself. You have an alcoholic father and an abusive mother. Sorry, kid. You're best on your own. Actually, you would be best with your chosen family, the c We ask only that we be allowed the to take time to grieve before spending time with the new love of his life. I felt guilty when I said I dont want to meet him, but since reading everyones comments I know im not an evil person for feeling that way. I miss my husband with all of my heart and would do anything to have our life back and the way it used to be. My mother passed away on October 30th, 2005, a week before my 17th birthday. My sister and I will apparently receive an e-mail from him before the end of the year advising us of something. I am just not comfortable with that nor will I ever be. ), and leaving pills everywhere-not in bottles but on countertops-Xanex, Valium, pain killers, appetite suppressants even though she told me she never takes any meds. His whole personality has changed and I just cant adjust to it. Also, new caveat she is now on our family plan because its cheaper, for her, and bc she dropped her phone in a toilet on accident.. I cant begin to write about all that has happened since I posted. She reciprocated the invitation through my Dad a week or so later to spend an evening out .but I declined this time. My father has no friends so thats why hes so desperate to be with her. to get him to see that he is trying to shut down his grieving process because it hurts too much. Even though the other sister was with my mom every second of every day since my moms diagnosis and passing. Some of the step videos I see online would seem to warrant a degree in dance in order to stay on it- much less teach it. I was nervous, she hadnt made any effort to get to know me. You also say that there is no definitive objective timescale for someone moving on with someone new. it is the next normal step of a solid relationship. HE IS GOING YO BUY A HOUSE IN THE PHILLPINES.AS FAR AS I KNOW HE CANT OWN THE PROPERTY IN HIS NAME ,HE HAS JUST PAID FOR A FUNEREL ONE OF THIS LADY COUSIN. The day before thanksgiving, my mother wasnt able to get up. My fathers house is about 5 minutes drive away and even less from my sisters home. In the end my father refused help. Many thanks. I now had to take care of my moms mom who had dementia in her home while my dad is busy in the first stages of a love relationship right after my mom died in our house. I once cut his hair too short,she told him he looked like a thug,wouldnt speak to him for days,now he panics every time I cut his hair incase I use the wrong fitting. Its weird watching a 72 year old man act like a 14 year old. She and my Dad had been married for 41 years and I have to credit him for sticking by her side through her long illness. This is 100% her problem to solve. Huge fake boobs, huge fake lips, and annorexic-like 95 pounds with these huge double ds that made her look like a porn star. Two years plus into the relationship and we reset the course of the relationship to give his adult child (AC) time to accept and adjust through their own grieving process. I cannot imagine ever being in a situation where self-interest would lead me to watch my children who are now 22 and 18 go through the equivalent of an additional bereavement while I bask in the warm glow of new romance. It just takes work; maybe lots of work, but you can do it! Not only was I having a year of so many firsts already, facing it without one of the most influential and important people in my life was unfathomable. One of the difficult things that I felt most accutely was that people think they are being helpful when they self-righteously preach at you and state that surely you would not want the parent to be alone. My father said that shedidnt like crowds (nice to know that my sister and I, our husbands and our two kids- were a crowd), and that they would have a second party. to deal with this woman was challenging as admitting that this woman existed I had to admit a few other things: The relationship may well blow over. Take up a club, but dont take my dad now that my mom just died. What if she hates you because youre I am in the same exact boat. I am 16 year old boy. A catharsis for the frustrated moral philosopher in all of us, and a place to finally find out if you were wrong in an argument that's been bothering you. But then again, it is Till death do us part. Its been a long nearly 10 years since my Mom passed away and while I hate to bring religion or the afterlife into the conversation, I do believe I will see my Mom again one day. Ugh!! Just thought it might help to fill you in a bit more. He is treated like a toy that gets discarded when the child is bored and he allows her to show no respect to his daughters. Before he left, he promised he would only be a phone call away. Her name is not on the account, but mine is! Anyway its sad that others are going through the sort of same situation I am. Your email address will not be published. I am the girlfriend of a widower of 3 grown daughters. We can afford it, so I'm not complaining. Your dad did. You moved out and made your own friends/relationships, and eventually you will probably find one person to be with for a while. It felt so good to get on this website and read that so many other people are experience the same things that I am. If your father wants to be in your life, the answer to all your questions is yes. I feel like Im being emotionally abandoned all over again and Im 50. I really hate that as my Mom worked hard to help my Dad build that home. If you pretend to accept you will be able to maintain the relationship for longer but is it really a relationship when there is no honesty? From the beginning, Ellen and her mother who was still alive at the time were very pushy with me in terms of trying to establish a relationship that I just simply was not ready for as it was too soon and I had not had time to grieve my Mom. My point is- as we are accepting his new friend- we are not ready to meet her, or allow her to be a part of our family. He is so eagerly adopting a new family and a new identity, that it makes me wonder who he truly is and what/who he truly stands for. He also warned that she might block access. What a huge insight on your part, death has made you more understanding and aware, not less. You shouldnt have to be at such a Situation! The scars from this involvement will never heal. Your mom sounds very lazy and manipulative. I decided to move out July of that year to live with my boyfriend. I have basically lost my mother, father and sister who is too afraid to stand up to dad and have no parents. My dad met his new and first girlfriend since my moms passing early this year. she is like a dog marking her territory. Although both countries are going through economic difficulties if you are able to work and are not reliant on welfare there is in general a higher standard of living in the U.S. AND my dad is now the proud owner of two hens in his backyard, as well as a 2 burner outdoor stove for cooking pho broth.. Basically who is he?!? My dad died 18 months ago and Mum has just joined a dating agency. But the way that she did it was deceitful. My relationship with my dad was great- we saw each other at least once a week and always had great talks. My sisters and I will be there to support him and love him through it. I had to finally be blunt with him, I told him he know I did not care for this women Marsha before he started dating her and just cause he is dating her all that she has done to me over the years is null and void. WebAnswer (1 of 3): Well you can't bring him back , but be there for her, if she does irrational things support them, trauma is the hardest pill to swallow I know. I get emotional every time and do not how to deal with it. I went next. His response about this has been so offensive that is has resulted in some family members wanting to not have any further contact with him. So after telling myself You wouldnt want him to be alone when hes old guess what? The picture he showed me showed a beautiful girl that looks about 19. I felt silly for assuming that I would upset her if I reminded her of her dada person who, of course, was never far from her mind. . I sometimes try to step back and look at both sides. Since then, my father has been the family rock. She visits or picks him up if it suits her. My parents were in a small plane crash 5 years ago, and mom died from her burns. Ive never really been close with my father and this seems to be driving more of a wedge between us. To make it worse my Dad moved 7 hours from all of us kids and we havent heard from him very often. Its dragging me down, and I know things can be so much worse but I cant imagine him marrying this woman and her living among my mothers things, and even moreso, putting her own personal touch on this house. Yet he would not want me to stop living, and he would not want for me to be unhappy. So, as a girlfriend, find a man that does not hurt his own children for the sake of a woman who was never the mother of his children and use the excuse of making him happy, time does not matter, and who cares about the fact that you have impacted in a very negative and damaging way the relationship in a family. By June of this year, he went on a family trip of hers, to visit her nieces college graduation?! Did your dad leave money for her retirement? My dad has been acting differant since they started dating too hes been drinking more, ect. I feel like he is being selfish. She was after my father for 40 years! My husband and father-in-law were working together in a family print shop and had been for seven years. Sve informacije prezentovane na sajtu su samo INFORMATIVNOG karaktera. I feel this women is just looking to have someone take care of her and support her, and that she is hoping to move into my parents house. Studies show that losing a parent can lead to increased risks for long-term issues such as depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. NTA. Your father may not recognise the implications of how his actions will impact generations. Spoiler alert: studies show that he found out that this new york. Just tell your dad you are not ready for that right now and you understand his needs. I cant sit back and watch. You may assume you bring all this joy to the mans life, and you think of your own needs in justifying the relationship, but as a woman, I feel that the disrespect to my mothers memory and to family, even if I seem to be the only one devastated, angry and in grieving now for the loss of my dad due to the girlfriend, is beyond anything I would bring to the children of that family if I were thinking of swooping up a widower 4 months after the death of a spouse. I love the attention self care is getting in social media. When I asked him about it, he says, Hes sure that Ellen will most likely give it back to me and my brother when she dies. Im highly doubtful about that. She allowed him a small bag of his possessions and decided she did not want any cards or mail being sent to her house. Without warning years later she sneakily bought her own house. WebAll families are different and all people handle mourning differently. Follow My dad passed away from throat cancer in Feb, just 4 months ago. It felt like he was choosing her over his family. You summed it up in this line especially The very knowledge that my dad has moved on is like losing my mother all over again on a daily basis. We are not open about things at all, but a feeling is not always easy to hide. She's also very young and has plenty of time to work. Since my mother died, this is the first time she had attended one of our family gatherings. I understand him wanting to sell the house because mom died in itbut to move so far away! Its like Im an afterthought. He should worry about his own 20 year old daughter, not her kids. Im not talking about holidays or family parties, where of course inclusion is important. Its so nice knowing that there are people out there going through the same thing, and that Im not alone. He is not here to replace their father nor is he to replace him as my husband. I mean moms been gone for 5 months now and I have to meet the new misses? He met a nice lady this spring. She probably needs things done for her. Is this normal for your country? She has even assaulted my sister by shaking and shoving her. Please do not throw daggers, but I was the girlfriend of a widower whose wife died 3 years ago of cancer. I am married and living about an hour from my parents house. As difficult as it is, the marriage vows are until death do us part. You need to get a grip on your own life and let your parents be human beings. In doing so, its damaged our relationship a little, but I love him and do not want him to be unhappy. My mom was vivacious and full of laughter and life. Over the years, I worked through my grief over the loss of my mother and accepted my fathers marriage. I dong want to meet her. Every person mourns in different ways, intensity and time. Fast-forward a bit, and I am now 20 years old. What Im also seeing, and what I feel about my own situation, is that, the bottom line is there is a lack of respect, sensitivity and compassion for those whove also lost that person by either both, or the dad or the new woman. It didnt end there. It hit the mark with me. When I was about 16 my friends Mum was dropping me off a short distance from my home when her car would not start late on a Sunday. Then in July, he went camping with her and her family. I dont want to. .css-ssumvd{display:block;font-family:Gilroy,Helvetica,Arial,Sans-serif;font-size:1.0625rem;font-weight:bold;line-height:1.25;margin-bottom:0;margin-top:0;-webkit-text-decoration:none;text-decoration:none;}@media (any-hover: hover){.css-ssumvd:hover{color:link-hover;}}@media(min-width: 40.625rem){.css-ssumvd{letter-spacing:0rem;margin-top:0.9375rem;}}Bridal Shower Gifts for Unique Brides, Letter from Gen X to a Millennial: It Gets Easier, A Timeline of Oprah and Stedmans Long Romance. Firstly, I speak as an Englishwoman married to an American who has only recently after almost 25 years of marriage taken joint citizenship! Dad has us get rid of Moms clothes the very weekend of her funeral. Whatever it may be, it will do nothing but hold you back from opportunities and moving forward in life. You might find that if she is really messed up over this that she's letting things slide and fall apart. I gulped down fear, as I rushed to find out what was happening. I recently sent a letter to an online relationship advice column and they responded to my letter. I did want to address a couple of points. He can have a lady friend. They talk on the phone often and I believe he gave her a really nice Christmas gift! I say that because too many people operate as though their actions and choices have nothing to do with their family.